The Moment of Pain

In The Real World on March 16, 2011 by lnicks Tagged: , , ,

So, while the hospital I visited in January is currently deciding if I’m enough of a charity case to waive some of my charges, the ER physician (who charges separately from the hospital itself) just sent me a bill.

On the one hand, I do get the contractual readjustment through my health insurance company. On the other hand, they don’t actually pay anything. (Remind me again why I have health insurance? I grow to hate them more and more each day.)

So I’m still stuck with a $300+ bill here, and whatever the hospital decides I should pay, which could be up to $1500.

And while I’ve known this for awhile, now that I’m here staring at the bill and preparing to make the payment, it’s just eating me up. I haven’t looked at the books too carefully in awhile, but I think this $300 is probably the grand total amount of money that I have managed to save up since I started tutoring back in September. So that’s what my six months of struggling was for.

And even if I decide to go to grad school, it’s going to keep being this way. I look at the paltry sum in my savings account and mentally deduct what I might have to pay for my ER visit, and wonder how on earth I’ll be able to afford even STARTING grad school. Flying back east, deposit on an apartment, new furniture, a car…

Then again, if I DON’T go, I’ll just continue to live here in miserable fucking California, and will have no income during the summer months anyway.

Today has just been a bad day. I don’t even know what to say about it, except that I continue to not be able to believe that this is the way the world works. I continue to not be able to believe that this is my life. I am miserable and unhappy and struggling to survive and I just see no end to it.

What it comes down to is this: some days I see hope for the future. And some days I don’t.

Today has been one of the latter.

2 Responses to “The Moment of Pain”

  1. Its easy to see the negatives when they get compounded on top of one another. I cannot speak about your health insurance policy but there are ones that will cover more than others.

    A lot of times when things don’t go our way for awhile we get upset and that leads to a spiraling affect of negativity. Try to take a break. A change of scenery and take a step back to look at your overall life. Right now might not be great but it seems like you are a young and intelligent woman. Focus on something positive and take things one step at a time with a plan and goal in mind.

    I’m definitely not one to talk as I recently was basically forced out of my company I helped startup of 8 years and then my dad passed away a few months back of Leukemia. Currently I am also unemployed with no side income but I focus on what I can do rather than what I cannot do.

    I hope this helps or at least brings a smile to your face.

    Good luck. I’m sure you MIT grads can accomplish pretty much anything. I went to the school across the Charles. :-)

  2. I’ve ran across your blog several other times while googling something or another (once it was love, this latest search was related to employment). Just wanted to finally leave a rely of appreciation for the time you put into maintaining this blog; your outlook and the honesty with which you share it are refreshing

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