So I disappeared from the internet for awhile because I have been wondering why in the hell I keep this blog anyway. I am well aware that I mostly just end up whining into it and I don’t particularly like that myself.
I also received a particularly interesting comment that I think is worth responding to in its own entry. (I cut some of the comment down for length, but you can read the entire thing here.)
Ok I’m speaking to you as someone who was in your exact same position a few months back and Im gonna give you the same advice someone gave me……THE WORLD SUCKS but sitting online running a site talking about how much the world sucks ISNT GONNA MAKE IT ANY BETTER…u surround urself with thoughts of negativity everyday running a website that analyzes every aspect of the world that you hate…dont u think that eventually has an effect of your mood and outlook?? In retrospect it sure as hell did something to me… I am not bashing you by any means this isnt a mean spirited post I am just telling you that this used to be me and you dont want to look back on ur life and think all u amounted to was someone who sat behind a silver screen spitting out angry drivel about EVERYTHING. My advice to you is get a new outlook blast Matt & Kim and sing along to it as loud as u can in the shower go to grad school get a sweet GPA do some internships while there and turn things around for urself so u can hopefully hand this advice down to someone down the road who u see see going towards a life of seeing the glass half empty forever….
And I have to say, this person is completely right.
They are also completely wrong.
Yes, of course, negativity begets more negativity. I can’t argue with that. And sure, if I were to just crank up the music and grab a drink I’d probably be happier overall.
But the only way I am going to stop writing about the world sucking (or thinking about it, seeing as how sometimes I just get lazy and don’t update this) is if I STOP CARING.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, yes, but more importantly I am sick and tired of being powerless and screwed over by everyone in the damn world.
I am sick and tired of the fact that basically the only health insurance policies it is possible to get as an unemployed or self-employed person are so expensive in their premiums and/or cheap in their benefits that they end up being effectively worthless. I hate the fact that the day after waking up in the middle of the night with intense abdominal pain the biggest regret I had was going to the doctor because it turned out to not be a life-or-death situation and my health insurance didn’t cover the multi-thousand dollar bill.
I am sick and tired of world where your landlord can lie to your face and screw you over behind your back, and when you decide to leave your next landlord can take your security deposit and then fail to tell you that they decided not to give you the apartment. I am sick and tired of looking forward to an entire lifetime of renting from people with more money and power than me who can just make these rules and if you’re too poor to even dream of trying to own your own place within the next 15 years you can either live by whatever shitty rules they set for you or you can live under a bridge.
I am sick and tired of the fact that there are multi-BILLION dollar corporations that don’t pay a dime in taxes while I practically had a nervous breakdown upon discovering the extremely small sum I ended up owing the federal government because it was cutting into my grocery budget. The fact that I spent well over a year of my life groveling at the feet of said corporations, practically begging for a job and often getting no response whatsoever (not even acknowledgement of receipt of my resume) infuriates me, and the thought of getting to do that again at any point in the future turns my stomach.
I am sick and tired of a world in which I sold out my principles because it was the only way to make money, and then I don’t even get to be rich after all that- I am still barely make enough to pay my bills. (Seriously, isn’t money the reward you’re supposed to get for selling out your principles? Or I am just doing it wrong?)
There are only two ways I can stop being angry about all of these things: if they change, or if I give up.
If I could resign myself to living in such a world, maybe I could find some peace. And you know, that’s probably the logical thing to do. It would undoubtedly make me happier.
But I just can’t do it. I don’t have it in me. The fact is I can’t get a new outlook, because this is how the world is. I would say I refuse to sugarcoat it but that’s not even really true. I just CAN’T sugarcoat it. If you can look at this unbelievable mess, and see the good in it, and overlook the bad, and sing in the shower and have it not bother you- God bless. Really. I envy you.
The best I can do is hope I survive this with enough optimism and drive left to let my anger overrule my bitterness so I can go DO something about it all, and hopefully make my own, personal, WordCynic-shaped dent in the mountain of FUCKED UP BULLSHIT that is the world.
Is that unbelievably melodramatic? Obviously. And I do apologize. But it’s just the way I am. And I guess that’s what the point of all this is.
(Although let the record show that I do in fact annoy myself with my own melodrama. So don’t judge too harshly.)